Roni and I are coming up on our two year mark in Haiti. There are a lot of things we love about what we do here, but for me, the hardest part has been and continues to be loneliness.
We are around people all the time. We are foster parents for eight kids, and we have two nannies who work for us every day. We live on a campus with fourteen other international people. We have friends outside of work from Haiti, America, and Europe who we try to see regularly. But it is still so lonely and weird living in another culture.
I recently read a blog post that struck a chord with me. The concept has helped me to figure out some of my loneliness. You can check it out here: http://joe-holman.blogspot.com/2013/02/from-land-of-blue.html.
Here is how I've related it to my life.
I am from the Land of Blue. I think like other Blues, I talk like other Blues, and I look like other Blues.
Two years ago, I moved to the Land of Yellow to be a foster parent. I did not think like Yellows, talk like Yellows, or look like Yellows. At first, I tried very hard to find comfort in this strange Land of Yellow by trying to set up a living situation that mirrored the Land of Blue. I watched the same TV shows, tried to cook the same meals, and spent time with other Blues.
Eventually I realized I now live in the Land of Yellow and I should try to be more Yellow. So I started to be friends with Yellows and learning how to live here-- shopping in the market, helping to cook over a fire, using public transportation, etc. No matter how Yellow I tried to be, people still saw me as a Blue wherever I went.
Since being in the Land of Yellow for almost two years, I have traveled to the Land of Blue twice. The first time went well for the most part, and I enjoyed connecting with friends and family. But I was still very much a Blue living in the Land of Yellow, so it makes sense that it was easy to visit. Fast forward one year to the second visit to the Land of Blue. It was much more difficult fitting in. This is when I realized I'm not quite a Blue and I'm not quite a Yellow. It made me sad, angry, and anxious. I was having trouble figuring out why I wasn't fitting in in the Land of Blue like I used to.
This is when I realized I am forever different. I now have an explanation for it. I am a Green-- a mixture of a Blue and Yellow. I still look like a Blue, talk like a Blue, and think like a Blue. But I have had experiences that also make me think like a Yellow. It is much more difficult to connect with other Blues now that I am a Green. But I will never be able to be a Yellow either, no matter how hard I try to fit in with Yellows. I will always be seen as a Blue. Some of my closest friends in the Land of Yellow happen to be Yellows, and they still see me as a Blue in a lot of situations. Fortunately, I have also found some great friends here who would identify as Greens. When I am feeling very lonely and having trouble fitting in, the Greens are the ones who just seem to get it. The Greens are the ones who know what it means when I say I'm running on fumes. The Greens are the ones who feel just as lonely as I do. It's not easy being a Green, and sometimes I need another Green to empathize with this.
Roni and I have another trip coming up next week to the Land of Blue. I am looking forward to it but am also anxious. It is very difficult to summarize what we do here in the Land of Yellow when things seem so far removed in the Land of Blue. I will be seen as a Blue and expected to relate as a Blue, but I am a Green.
In the Land of Yellow, I also have a hard time being a Green. I try hard to be a Yellow sometimes. But I will always be a Blue in their eyes.
I will never be able to become fully Yellow because I did not grow up here. I will never be able to return to being fully Blue because the experiences I'm having here are forever shaping my heart and my way of thinking. I am forever a Green.
